


When It Rains

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Depressed Levi, Eren Jaeger is a little shit, M/M, Minor Armin Arlert/Erwin Smith, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Porn With Plot, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Suicide, ereri, riren - Freeform, smut in later chapters, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-03-25 13:50:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3812896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi is content with silence, content with the sound of rain. The same sound that drowns out every silent cry, every dry tear, every unspoken word at the tip of his tongue. The pain is unbearable, but he doesn't let emotion slip through that mask of indifference he's kept up for all these years. His face still remains devoid of any emotion other than detachment. Yet, he wants to feel. Wants every cut to hurt more than just bleed. He wants to tear away at his flesh until there is nothing left of it. Pain seems to be the only way to relieve the guilt eroding his mind. But now, Levi is far gone. Lost in his own darkness. Can a certain bright-eyed brat help Levi find his way back into the light?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there, I'm the author for When It Rains, Aster. This is my second story on AO3 (if you like Percy x Nico, go check out Lousy Neighbors), so I'm kinda getting used to posting things. Any feedback or comment or kudo is appreciated; especially because it helps a lot with my will for writing. Also, I heavily warn those who are triggered easily when reading this. Don't read it if it'll bring back some bad memories. You deserve much more and should treat yourself well, okay?  
> ~Aster Soulis

For a moment, the world seemed to slow down. The rain fell slower and the wind halted its movements as time seemed to yield. The sky cried and thunder roared, lightning flashing through the clouds. As each small drop on the window slid downward, grey orbs followed their slow descent. Levi took refuge in the rain. Throughout everything, all the deceit and loneliness, only the rain seemed to speak to him. It was almost as if the rain shared his pain. The pain of having to withhold all emotion for so long. The pain of having to fall and crash; first, feeling the weightlessness and then the excruciating pain. 

It had been only hours since Levi decided it was time. His hands were littered with cuts and bruises, the result of punching out the desolate mirror in the corner of his bedroom. All the others were broken from previous nights. Not that Levi had any qualms about that. His reflection disgusted him. Restless nights and undying insomnia had created a dark rim around his eyes and reminders of his pain took the form of white scars scattered all over his body, most hidden by his sickeningly pale skin.

But he could see them.

And with each scar, he remembered. Remembered every shallow breath with each cut. Remembered the labored tears, the screams he had to bite back. The pain was there to remind him that he could still feel. Feel something other than numbness.

_Numbness._

Erwin had described it as a “loss of senses”, but Levi knew there was more to it than that. _Because three words couldn't equate to how fucked his mind was._ It wasn't just a “loss of senses”. Numbness is like drowning. Because, before you have the time to say anything, before you can breathe or call for help, the pain of everything around you is lost to a silent scream. You kick, thrash, struggle for however long you want, but everything you do is fruitless. You hit the bottom and your reserve breaks, but you don’t feel anything. The water that fills your lungs stops you from screaming; stops you from breathing. In that moment, all you feel is the weight of everything crashing down on you and within time, all you can do is close your eyes.

 

___

 

Levi can feel the weightlessness.

His hands unravel a small pill bottle as it drops to the floor slowly.

Everything feels slow. A faint click sounds in the distance, but everything is irrelevant as it’s lost to the sound of running water.

_The rain._

Levi can feel his heart beating, ringing, pounding against his chest. His fingers and hands tingle, and his eyes flutter, looking for a release. Looking to finally shut down.

Above all, he feels a pain in his chest. Deep, in the far dark corners of his heart, heaves a familiar pain. The same pain that eats at him, that destroys him, that has him in a vice-like grip, unforgiving. The pain brings a tear to Levi’s eye. A tear that threatens to eat him alive. He doesn't want it to fall. He shouldn't be crying. 

 

_A familiar pain._

 

His heart beat slows, and an icy wind blows over Levi’s pale skin.

His eyes close, and between the slow drumming of his heart, he swears he can hear his name being called out. The voice is familiar.

 

As a small drop of liquid slides down his cheek, he feels the pain intensify.

 

_Regret._


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there~ Keira here,  
> After months and months of continuous crying and editing, I have finally done it.  
> I apologize for the time gap between my chapters, my dysphoria really is an unwieldy bitch. Anyways! Thank you for reading When It Rains!! Any feedback is appreciated, really. Also, I may or may not be looking for a beta reader since I'm really shitty at writing. uwu .  
> Also, what do you guys think about maybe putting Hanji in this story as Levi's bff??? (he would never admit it, but she is) bc I love Hanji with all my soul and I want to incorporate her into this story..  
> :3333

There would always be things he would desperately try to forget: the image of her red hair, goofy smile and messy pigtails. His calculating hazel eyes and stupid haircut. The blood that still clung to his skin after their deaths. How it didn't matter how hard he scrubbed, or how much soap he used. The blood was still there. Sticking to his flesh like a brand.  
For a man striving tirelessly to better himself, Levi was still so very hung up on the past; too drunk to see the future and too sober to live in the present.

\--------

As Levi opens his eyes, a cold sunlight falls around him. A heavy silence hangs in the atmosphere as he notices that the ceiling he is staring up at looks unfamiliar. Suddenly, the world seems too quiet. Sitting up, Levi scans the room. He digs the heels of his palms into his eyes because it all looks unreal. The sheets tangled around his body are a pristine white and the cabinets and drawers are all made of a fine oak. With the light as frigid as the air around him, it makes the furniture seem frozen for eternity. As if the essence of time only exists to age the objects within its unyielding grasp. But despite the soft sheets around his body and the calm, aging aura of the room, Levi still feels uncomfortable. Almost unwelcomed.

A sudden thought crawls into Levi’s mind. _Where am I?_

A hurricane of memories invade his mind. A feeling resurfaces in his gut, as he remembers the pill bottle he had dropped on the floor after losing consciousness. The deafening silence makes Levi wonder whether he landed himself a spot in heaven or hell. After all, that’s where people go when they die right? Levi’s lack of faith -but not knowledge- leads him to believe that either hell or purgatory are where he resides for now. But thinking about it, the idea is ironic, really. From the very beginning, Levi knew that his place in hell was inevitable. So why does this seem like heaven?

But his thoughts quickly cease as he hears the sound of rain tapping at his window. He feels his heart beating steadily along with the drumming of the rain. Then fear strikes through him like an arrow, time stopping completely in his stupor. Levi suddenly feels nauseous, like his intestines are trying to crawl out from his throat.

He feels dizzy. _Did it not work?_ Comes the question. Over and over, it repeats itself through his aching head. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. How did it not work?_ Levi’s thoughts are so loud that he barely hears the door to his room open. 

A startling pair of familiar emerald eyes meet stormy greys. All the air in Levi’s chest races out of his lungs. The world around him is spinning, contorting, as he tries desperately to comprehend the being standing frozen at the door. Scarred memories resurface, ones tainted with screaming and yelling. Memories where he watched those bright eyes get farther and farther away from his.

_“You’re trapping yourself, Levi. Hiding away from the world because you’re scared won’t get you anywhere,”_. He could still hear the words clearly. Punctuated and sharp, spoken like a gunshot directly to the heart. It was the moment Eren left; the moment Levi forgot how to breathe. Forgot how to _live._

That was five years ago.

_Why was Eren here? After so many years… Please, please, please, don’t tell me he knows. Don’t tell me he fucking knows._ The voice in Levi’s head is desperate. Part of him is relieved to see Eren, but the other is scared. So _fucking_ scared.

“Levi,” Eren whispers; the name barely slips out of his mouth, but Levi can hear it clearly. Even with the muffling of the rain. It's almost as if Levi's forgotten his own name. The brunet is standing still, but Levi notices the prominent furrow in his eyebrows and the way his shoulders shake slightly. He hasn't changed much since the last time Levi saw him.

_That was five years ago._

Levi can't speak. His tongue is frozen in his mouth and no words he wants to say can formulate a response to hearing his name. He desperately wants to ask Eren why he's been gone for so long. Wants to ask why he left without so much as a goodbye.

Eren is still standing at the doorway, hand wrapped tightly around the knob of the door; as if he was strangling it. He has a sympathetic look on his face that Levi desperately wants to get rid of. He is used to seeing the raw, unadulterated passion in Eren's emerald hues. He is used to the color of a forest after a storm. He is used to gazing into those passionate eyes and seeing a new world bud behind those greens like they were the embodiment of spring- reminding the world that the possibility of a new beginning was possible, even after a spell of depression. 

But now all he sees are pale undertones of that heated gaze. It's as if the rain had washed the color from his eyes, leaving him with a sickly green. A kind of green that looked like it belonged on a human more than an animal. And Levi knows that those eyes were created from worry, sympathy, and disgusting pity.

He doesn't want any pity. Not from anyone. And especially not from Eren.

Eren's mouth opens again, but this time no words come out. Levi half expects Eren to yell, to be angry, or confused. Anything insensitive someone could do at this very moment would fit Eren to a T. But he doesn't do anything. He just stands there like an idiot, his mouth slightly agape. Then his hand slowly drops from the door handle and his mouth closes.

A silence screams in between the both of Eren and Levi.

"Why?" The voice that comes out of Levi's mouth is broken. _Fragile. Vulnerable._ He almost doesn't recognize it as his own. Gunmetal greys stare unblinkingly into pale emeralds. He doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't know if there is anything better to say.

The word alone can convey every thought, every feeling, every ounce of pain he's had to endure throughout these past few years. It asks every question that he had always been so afraid of answering. It is a reply to all the regrets he's had. Levi is an enigma. There is no other word that could describe him better than 'Why'.

Eren's eyebrows furrow together in confusion. "Why what?" his voice is gentle. Every consonant is pronounced in that subtle way he normally speaks, but his words hang in the air like a breeze that makes the leaves sway.

Levi wants to ask all the questions he's been holding back all these years, do anything to explain himself, but once again words fail him. His gaze falls from Eren's, and goes to looking at his hands that are resting on his lap. "Why, after all these years... Why now?" Levi's conscience is telling him that this may just be a sick game that God is playing on him for doubting his existence, but the sound of his racing heartbeat and the pattering of rain against the window behind him seems too real to be a joke.

"I should have come sooner." Eren states, viridian eyes wavering. The simple sentence hits Levi with a force greater than that of a car crash. Light shifts in the room, almost disappearing as a gloomy darkness settles in the air. The pale glow seemingly ignites Eren's eyes; sickly greens blossoming into a forest of golds and emeralds. And only then does Levi understand.

Crippling sympathy isn't what made those brilliant eyes burn out. Behind closed doors, behind those walls that he built up around himself, even Eren Jaeger couldn't find a way out of his own mind. It was guilt that clouded the eyes that Levi once knew. Guilt created not from the route Levi had attempted to take, but guilt conjured from the depths of self-deprecation and anger against himself for not being the light at the end of the tunnel.

Or maybe he was just overthinking it. Maybe this is all a ruse, but the look on Eren's face is so fucking real that Levi has no explanation for the vivid reality around him.

The response stuck in Levi's throat has died on his tongue and all of a sudden everything around him becomes cloudy. A claustrophobic feeling reels deep inside of him causes his breath to hitch and his fists to clench. The sound of the rain becomes louder, accentuating every single drop like a bomb, and the small red cuts on Levi's hands and arms seem to swallow him.

And suddenly Eren's at his right hand side, clutching Levi's hand as if he would disappear if he were to let go. He's inclined to push him away, but the scent of pine and French roast beckon Levi closer to Eren. He tries to blink away the clouds forming behind his eyelids, unknowing if they are tears threatening to fall.

His thoughts are then suddenly directed to the muttering at his ear. He doesn't expect anything other than a plethora of ''I'm sorry''s and is surprised when instead, he hears Eren whisper, "I'll never leave again, okay?". The words are said almost as both a question and a statement. Perhaps he's asking Levi if it's okay for him to stay. 

Eren’s voice is like a breeze, “I’m afraid of losing you again,”.

As if a late reaction, Levi springs away from the touch, instinctively clenching his fists around his arms. His body is rigid, heart pumping guilt through his veins. He’s already sitting on the opposite side of the bed. _You’ve already lost me,_ Levi thinks bitterly; the small gap between himself and Eren seemingly like miles.

The way Eren is looking at Levi makes his heart wrench; pumping with a certain guilt that only the brat in front of him has been able to conjure. His eyebrows are furrowed together in confusion, and his eyes are glazed over with tears. Levi can tell that he’s trying his damndest not to cry.

There is hesitation in Levi’s words, apprehensive to the broken man in front of him, “Leave,” he commands, order in his tone. _Please,_ he refuses to say.

But Eren understands completely, nodding with defeat. He doesn't know how Erwin managed to get him to speak before, how he managed to get a reaction out of him. It seems damn near fucking impossible. 

And with a grim expression on Levi’s face, he watches as Eren lets the door swing closed behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... how was it?  
> Again, any feedback is appreciated!  
> Please do tell me if there is a continuity error in past/present tense bc I tend to fuck up on those things. Gomen~  
> If there are any other errors, don't be afraid to comment about it so that I can fix it!


End file.
